Turk's News at Nine
by Dragons' Song
Summary: I finally updated this. It's very strange and has some very...odd things in it. If you can't handle minor, minor guy/guy, then don't read. Otherwise, enjoy my fic.
1. The First Episode

The Turk's News at Nine.  
"We will waste your time."  
  
Reno is the anchor, Rude is co-anchor, Elena does the weather and Tseng does sports.  
  
Reno: Hi. Welcome to the...Hey! Where the hell is the script? I forgot my intro! WAAAAAAHH!   
  
(Rude shoves Reno off the stage.)  
  
Rude: Welcome to the Turk's News at Nine where we will waste your time. First story-  
  
Elena: Hey! You're wasting MY time! Get on with it!   
  
(Elena throws pointer at Rude.)  
  
Rude: (Rubbing his head) Well, we ARE supposed to waste your time...  
  
Elena: Hey! I don't care! I have things to do! (retrieves her pointer from the floor) First we have a current moving into Midgar and...  
  
Rude: (uses a stop materia on Elena) Sorry folks, let's go to Sports!  
  
Elena: (pulls ribbon out of pocket) No you don't! (uses deathblow on Rude)  
  
Rude: (returns with grand spark) Hey, I'm in charge here!  
  
Reno: (staggers onto stage, clearly very drunk) Heehee! I'm a fairy princess! Wee!  
  
Rude: Uh...let's go to a commercial break. When we come back, everything should be normal again. This is Turk's News at Nine where we will waste your time  
  
(Backstage director buries his head in his hands, very depressed. Meanwhile, it has turned into a free-for-all onstage and Reno is still drunk)  
  
Elena: YOU BITCH! (uses fire3 on Rude)  
  
Rude: (retaliates with ice3) Hey! I'm not the whore around here!  
  
Reno: Heehee! I'm a fairy princess!  
  
Elena: I AM NOT A WHORE! (uses bolt3)  
  
Tseng: Uh...guys? What happened to the show?  
  
Elena + Rude: SCREW THE SHOW! (both beat Tseng into a bloody pulp)  
Reno: I will hic use my hic wand on hic you! ( taps Tseng on the head with Elena's pointer)  
  
Elena: (screaming) I AM NOT A WHORE!  
  
Rude: RIGHT! YOU"VE SLEPT WITH EVERY CAMERA MAN ON THE FRICKIN' SHOW!  
  
Elena: NO I HAVEN'T! THE ONLY MAN I EVER SLEPT WITH WAS-nevermind...  
  
Rude: Ooohh! Who didja sleep with?  
  
Elena: Blushing furiously) nobody!  
  
Camera man: We are on in five...  
  
(Elena stares at Rude with venom in her eyes)  
  
Camera man: four...  
  
Rude: Is there something in your eye?  
  
Camera man: three...  
  
(Reno dances around in a tutu and ballet slippers. Nobody questions him though he does get funny looks)  
  
Camera man: two...  
  
(Elena, unable to take it anymore, wraps her hands around Rude's neck and starts to strangle him.)  
  
Camera man: One! We are on!   
  
(Camera focuses on Elena strangling Rude and yelling at him)   
  
Elena: I AM NOT A WHORE!  
  
(Suddenly Reno crashes into the main camera. The screen goes blank and the show ends)  
  
Author's note- Okay. That was a little weird. A can of flat soda and five dozen six-month-old candies tends to do that. Anyway, I hope you like it. If not, then kiss my @$$. R&R please! Flame if you want, I don't give a flying rat's @$$. Oh yeah, all the characters belong to Squaresoft though I do wish Reno was mine... Read my other fics, A Turk's Thoughts and ShinRa's Island. Also, read James Wolfstar's fics. Thanks.   
~The Second Death Dragon~  



	2. The Second Episode

Turk's News at Nine  
"We WILL waste your time."  
  
(Reno is the anchor, Rude is the co-anchor, Elena does weather and Tseng, back from the hospital, still does sports.)  
  
(The show has been on for five minutes. Everybody is waiting for Reno. He finally walks on.)  
  
Reno: (muttering to himself) I will not screw up, I will not screw up...(notices the camera is on) Oh crap!  
  
(The director motions for him to sit down)  
  
Reno: Huh? Oh yeah...Hey! The script is here! Whoohoo! (Tries to read script) Oh dam*, I can't read it!  
  
(Director buries his head in his hands. Meanwhile, Elena, unknown to Reno, swaps her pointer for his Electro-rod)  
  
Reno: This...is...(turns paper sideways) the...Turk's...Dam* I can't read this!  
  
(Rude shoves Reno off the stage)  
  
Reno: (from far below) Ooh! Beer!  
  
Rude: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. This is Turk's News at Nine where we WILL waste your time.   
  
(Elena taps her foot impatiently)   
  
Elena: Yo! Hurry up! I got, (checks her watch) an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be somewhere.   
  
Tseng: Yeah! Aeris is coming out of the Lifestream just to have a date with me! I can't miss it!  
  
Rude: Guys, I've been through this before! We ARE supposed to waste YOUR time!  
  
Elena + Tseng; We got important stuff to do! (jump on Rude)  
  
(Rude jumps out of the way)   
  
Elena: Hey! Get your ass over here!  
  
Rude: Whatcha gonna do? Throw your pointer at me? It didn't hurt last time!  
  
(Elena brandishes Reno's Electro-rod)  
  
Elena: So? It'll hurt this time!  
  
Tseng: Yeah! She swapped her point-  
  
(Elena zaps Tseng with the rod)  
  
Tseng: OWWW! YOU BITCH!  
  
Elena: So sue me!  
  
Rude: Guys, guys, can't we all be friends?  
  
Elena: NO! I'm gonna kill you all! (laughs insanely)  
  
(Reno struggles onto the stage, even more drunk than the last time.) Wee! I'm Elena!  
  
Elena: Hey wait a minute! He's mocking me! (Zaps Reno in the butt with Electro-rod)  
  
Reno: (giggles) Heehee! That tickled! (grabs Electro-rod and zaps himself continuously in the butt, obviously contented. Elena and the others stare, dumbstruck)  
  
Elena: Is Reno okay?  
  
Rude: I dunno. He's gotten this drunk before, but has never willingly zapped himself like this.  
  
(Tseng slaps Reno. It has no effect. Tseng pulls a Junior Chemist kit out of his...nevermind. He reads the recipes and mixes something together. He puts into a tube and injects into Reno's arm. Nothing happens. Reno starts to zap other people now.)  
  
Elena: OWW! YOU JACKASS! (Rubs her butt) Get Tseng!  
  
Tseng: NO! RENO, STOP! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!  
  
Reno: Wee! I'm Elena! I love you Tseng!  
  
(Elena goes EXTREMELY red, Tseng faints)  
  
Reno: (suddenly sober) God, I'm glad I can cut the act. Let's see, embarrass Elena, check. Scare the crap out of Tseng, check. Shock Rude, check. Let's see, what's left...(notices Elena's face) Um...How 'bout run?  
  
Elena: YOU LYING LITTLE BASTARD! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!  
  
(Elena on an adrenaline rush easily catches Reno and holds him in a half-nelson.)  
  
Elena: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YOU JUST EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF TSENG! OUR HEAD TURK!   
  
Reno: (grins stupidly) I guess I did, didn't I?  
  
Elena: YES! YOU DID! But you, know, I don't really love Tseng anymore. You know who I like now?  
  
Reno: No, but tell me so I can make his life a living hell!  
  
(Elena whispers something to him. Reno turns white and faints. Elena grins)  
  
Elena: All in a days work. Now it's just you an' me Rude.   
  
Rude: Don't come near me! I don't get within five feet of sluts!  
  
(Elena blushes.)  
  
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! WE WENT THROUGH THIS LAST TIME!  
  
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name!  
  
(Elena pulls Reno's Electro-rod out of his hands and brandishes at Rude)  
  
Elena: Say that again?  
  
Rude: I walked in on you and what's-his-name.  
  
Elena: THAT WASN"T ME! MY SISTER IS THE ONE WHO SLEEPS WITH ALL THE CAMERA GUYS! I AM NOT A SLUT!  
  
Rude: I don't care if you say you are or not, I don't associate with sluts. Reno does, he tells me he pays pretty well too. Why don't you ask him?  
  
Elena: YOU BASTARD! I WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!  
  
(Elena jumps on top of Rude and starts to bite him, the Electro-rod forgotten)  
  
Rude: OWW! WATCH IT BITCH!   
  
(Elena punches him in the face)  
  
Elena: DIE YOU BASTARD!  
  
Rude: Get off me, slut!  
  
Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT! BESIDES, LOOK WHO"S TALKING! I BET YOU'D SLEEP WITH RENO GIVEN HALF A CHANCE!!  
  
Rude: I AM AS STRAIGHT AS THEY COME!   
  
Elena: BULLSHIT! But, you know...  
  
(Elena whispers something to Rude. Rude faints. Elena stands up and dusts off her hands)  
  
Elena: All in a day's work. Notices the camera) Hey! You were taping this the whole time?  
  
(Elena charges the camera. The last thing seen is Elena's face, the camera being tipped over and then black. In the background, you can hear the director crying)  
  
THE END  
  
Director: Thank god...  
  
  
  



	3. The Third Episode

Turk's News at Nine

Turk's News at Nine

"We will waste your time"

(The usual cast. If you read the others, you should know. If not, Read the others.)

(Reno and Elena are not there, the camera is not on and Rude and Tseng are playing poker using materia as gambling chips)

Tseng: Hah! My ace high beats your king high! Gimme your materia!

(Rude hands Tseng a brand-new fire materia)

Tseng: Hey! Wait a minute! This isn't the mastered Fire you promised! Hand it over! 

Rude: Listen as*wipe, I already gave it to you. I have no more fire materia!

(First camera man walks onto stage. He turns it on. He starts to walk away, but trips. The camera is still on and it focuses on Vincent, who is in the process of getting a lap-dance from Tifa)

Vincent: C'mon give it to me baby! Woo!

(The camera is quickly turned to the stage as laughter erupts. Reno parades out in a pair of whitey-tighties. A huge grin is plastered on his face as he shows off his butt.)

Tseng: RENO! FOR CHRISSAKES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

Rude: Yeah! The modeling one isn't until next episode!

Reno: Huh? It isn't? Oh, okay. 

(Reno walks off stage)

Elena's Voice: Okay. It's !00 gil for the dance, two hundred for the whole thing. Whaddayasay?

(Camera suddenly turns to Elena)

Elena: So? Is it a deal? (Suddenly notices camera and stares with the chocobo-in-the-headlights look.) Huh? What the hell? (Realizes what's going on) I'M NOT THE SLUT! SHE IS! (points to Tifa) SHE IS!

Tifa: Huh? WHAT?! HEY HO-GIRL! I'M NOT THE ONE THAT WAS ABOUT TO SELL HERSELF TO VINNIE!

Elena: YOU BITCH!

Rude: (dancing around) I knew it! I knew he was a slut!

Reno: Me? 

Rude: No! (smacks himself) I mean Elena!

Elena: NO I'M NOT! I WAS ARRANGING IT FOR MY SISTER!

Rude: Hah! That won't work this time! You don't even have a sister!

Elena: Crap! Besides, I wasn't talking about what you think I was! I was talking about a ballet-thing

Rude: (sarcastically) Uh-huh.

Elena: No! Really I was! Right Vincent? (elbows him in the ribs)

Vincent: Ow! Huh? Oh yeah…she was!

Tifa: C'mon Vinnie! Let's leave slut-girl and underwear boy and friends alone!

Reno: Underwear-Boy?

Elena: Slut-Girl?

(They jump on Tifa)

Elena: I AM NOT A SLUT!

Reno: I AM NOT UNDERWEAR BOY!

(Tifa kicks Reno in the private area and punches Elena in the chest)

Reno: (five octaves higher) Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Watch where you put your foot as*wipe!

Elena: YOU *BITE* DON'T *BITE* HIT *BITE* ME *BITE* THERE!!! *BITE*

Tseng: Hey! Elena! Stop!

(Cloud stands up)

Cloud: Hey! If it ain't the Turks! AVALANCHE attack!

(Tseng, Rude and Elena run behind Reno)

Tifa: HEY BITCH! GET BACK HERE!

(Reno pulles out a pack of underwear)

Reno: Hehehe! Always knew these'd come in handy! (shoots a pair of underwear at Cloud hitting him between the eyes)

Cloud: OW! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!!

(Reno launches another pair at him)

Cloud: OW! YOU SONUVABITCH!

Reno: DON'T INSULT MY MUM!! (Launches a third pair at Cloud)

Cloud: OWW! I WASN'T INSULTING YOUR MOM! I WAS INSULTING YOU!!

(Reno finds himself surrounded by AVALANCHE people)

Reno: Umm…(pulls out a smoke bomb) Haha! You'll never catch me 'cause I'm the gingerbread man! (throws down smoke bomb) *cough* oh shit…*cough* *cough*

(in the confusion, Reno slams into the camera, completely ended that episode)

Reno: Oww….nice job smartaleck….

Cloud: Well, I may be smart, but my name isn't 'aleck'

Reno: You're right. It's dumbass.

Cloud: Asswipe…

The End

(In the backstage, the director shoots himself and dies) 

****


	4. New director, pt. 1

A/N - Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I'll try and update some other things as well. As you know, things have been pretty hectic with FF net lately, and school has me bogged down with homework. So, take time to read my pathetic attempts at humor, laugh, cry, or just come after me with a pitchfork. Also, please don'' forget to give comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I don't like flamers. They are jerks, and they are not welcome to piss and moan at my stuff. But if you come in peace, enjoy. BTW, I changed my name, hopefully for the last time, because I don't want a name that is so heavily affiliated with one category as I hope to expand my horizons soon.... -Dragonsong  
  
Turk's News at Nine  
  
"Where we will waste your time."  
  
Reno: Welcome to Turk's News at Nine, the only show where we get paid to waste your time.  
  
(He pauses and looks off stage. He seems to wilt and turns back to the audience)  
  
Reno: (With a really fake, and really bad French accent) Welcome to Turk's News at Nine, where we will waste your time. With the unfortunate and recent death of our director, Jacques Strappe, we were afraid no one would step and we'd lose our job. However, we'd like everyone to give a huge round of applause to our new director for stepping in at the last moment. Everyone, this is Hugh Jeaz, our new director.  
  
(There is scattered clapping, but mostly confused looks as a large red chocobo, wearing thick glasses and a barrette)  
  
Miscellaneous Moron from Audience: Is this some kind of joke?  
  
Hugh (the chocobo, in case you're confused): (in a French accent) Of course not. I am real, am I not?  
  
MMFA: Um...  
  
Hugh: Enough of this! (cracks a whip over Reno's head) Back to work pigs!  
  
Reno: Prick...well, let's go to the sports. I don't think we've ever managed to get there before....  
  
Tseng: (trying to put a French accent over his Wutaiian one. It's not working. Just imagine someone from Japan trying to sound French...) I can be your hero....  
  
Reno: What the f-?  
  
Tseng: Would you dance, if I asked you to dance? (I like the song, but can't remember anything more than that and the chorus...so just bear with me here)  
  
Reno: Perhaps we'd like to go to the weather?  
  
(Elena is transfixed by Tseng singing)  
  
Elena: My god...he's singing to me....  
  
Reno: What about the weather?  
  
Elena: He...is...singing...to...me...  
  
Reno: What about the weather?  
  
Elena: THE WEATHER CAN GO BLOW ITSELF!!!  
  
Reno: Uh, that's go- (Suddenly stops as Tseng plops into Reno's lap)  
  
Tseng: I can be your hero, baby,  
  
I can kiss away the pain,  
  
I will stand by you forever,  
  
You can take my breath away...  
  
Reno: Tseng, I hate to tell you this, but I don't swing in that direction...  
  
Elena: Tseng! How can you love that piece of crap? And, and can you be gay?  
  
Tseng: It's easy. See? (makes a grab for Reno's face. Reno shoves Tseng onto the floor)  
  
Reno: Don't touch me!  
  
(Tseng grins evilly and pulls out a master Manipulate Materia)  
  
Reno: You wouldn't!  
  
(Tseng casts Manipulate. Fortunately, the messed up ring on Reno's finger reflects it off into the crowd, where it bounces off a wall and hits Tseng)  
  
Reno: Now go fuck Cloud for all I care.  
  
(Tseng jumps into the crowd. Cloud sees him coming and pulls out the Ultima blade)  
  
Cloud: I swear Reno, once I'm done with him, I'm gonna come up there and rip you a new asshole!  
  
Reno: I already got one and it works fine. Wanna see?  
  
Elena: No thanks, you Tseng-stealing bastard!  
  
Reno: It's not my fault Tseng is gay! Is it Rude?  
  
Rude: ...  
  
Reno: See! He agrees with me!  
  
(Further argument is interrupted my Cloud screaming in terror. The Ultima sword is gone and Tseng is chasing him around, in nothing but a pair of boxers...which are perched on his head. Cloud screams again, but this time happily as Cait Sith bounds through the door into the room. But he starts puking as Cait bends over and Tseng...well; the rest is ancient history...)  
  
Reno: I think we need a commercial break....  
  
Rude: ...  
  
A/N again - Okay...that completely didn't turn out the way I wanted. That was...disturbing. Yes, very disturbing. But Tseng-fans don't kill me. He's not really gay, just having problems which should be revealed if I ever get my ass to write the next chapter. And I know this chapter deserves a lot of flames, but please try to be nice. If you aren't, I'll find you and flame you ass to holy hell. Smile! I do want to put the commercial in there, so if you have any suggestions, please tell. If you find anything in this chapter that might be from something you wrote, email me and I will give you full credit. Finally, I will try and get something for Some secrets up soon. Ciao!  
  
-Dragonsong 


End file.
